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September 2010

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Why can't awesome fictional characters exist?  Lately it seems that a huge number of my favorite "people" are totally fictional, and that makes me very very sad.  I mean, I know that fictional people don't exist because they're fictional which by definition makes them not exist.  I'm not that dumb, but it still seems like some kind of awful curse.  And so, for lack of anything better to do, I am going to write a list of some of my favorite fictional characters, why they are awesome, and why the real world needs them.  If I can't actually hang out with these people, I can at least write about them in a super geeky homage to their greatness.

10.  Night Owl
He's really sweet and nerdy, and he has an awesome outfit for snowy weather.

Because you never know when you'll have to travel through Antarctica with your BFF on a Segway.

9.  Dean Robillard
Dean Robillard is hilarious.  He's kind of pervy, and he's easily turned on by beaver costumes and oversized T-shirts with slogans like BODY BY BEER emblazoned across the chest.  He is a star quarterback and an underwear model, which of course is an awesome combination.  If you bore him, he might leave you at a truck stop by the side of the road.  All of this might make him seem like kind of an asshole, but don't judge Dean too harshly.  He has a fat half sister who is so unloveable that even the dog, Puffy, can't stand to be around her. (Puffy says, "Fuck you, Bitch!  I'm leavin'.  I gotta poop!")  But Dean is nice to her, and he falls for the grubby chick who paints a mural of fairy land on his dining room walls.  Dean has a heart of gold, and the real world needs him because no living person is that awesome and hilarious.

(Insert picture of the hottest human being you can possibly imagine here.)

8.  Worf
Worf is the most awesome Klingon who ever lived.  Adopted by human parents, he has had to live among us human beings for a long time, and in spite of all of our flaws, he is patient. (for a Klingon)  We need him in the real world because he is totally kick-ass.  Where is Osama Bin Laden?  Oh I don't know.  Lets send Worf.  He will hunt that bastard down and give him a bat'leth to the face.  Problem fucking solved, bitches.

7.  Anyone from the Office
Especially Kelly.  We could shop together.

6.  Hogwarts
Ok this isn't a character, but how awesome would this be if it were real?  You could study magic!  It would be way more interesting and whimsical than majoring in literature at UNCA.

I would transfer.

5.  Glados
With all these awesome heroes around, there is going to have to be a villain to battle, and Glados is the perfect bad guy.  She is a psychotic passive aggressive killer robot, with a great sense of humor.  She will not hesitate to take you down, and while she's at it, she'll probably offer you some cake and then tell you that you were adopted.  Her burns are epic, and if I were not afraid of dying in one of her horrible traps, I would hang out with her.  And she can sing!

4.  Data
Data is adorable and sweet.  He is helpful, efficient, and a wonderful aid in any crisis.  I can't tell you how many times he has saved the Enterprise, and he is willing to befriend any lonely nerd in need.  In addition to all that, he loves human beings, he wants to be like us, and he will do anything in his power to protect us.  He is highly intelligent, he likes to paint, and he always tells the truth.  He is wonderful, and I really want to hang out with him.  Unfortunately, I can't because he isn't real, and that pisses me off.

3.  Derek
Derek is one of the greatest hero nerds of all time.  He's even more tenacious than Rorschach.  He single-handedly took on a horde of alien zombies.  When he fell off a cliff and his brains were spilling out, we believed that all was lost.  But no.  Eventually, Derek got up, stuffed his brains back into his skull, put on a hat to keep it all together, and marched forward, killing everything in his path.  Just try to think of something more badass.  You can't.  And so while Derek is a bit sadistic, weird, and probably profoundly awkward in social situations, I'd still like to have him around.  Dereks never stop, and Dereks never run.

2.  Rorschach
I can not say enough about how awesome Rorschach is.  On the surface he's a total psychopath, but underneath it all he's a sweet guy who just needs a hug--which I would totally give him.  He and I would be BFFs and I would promise not to be a whore like his mom.  If Rorschach were around, evil would never go unpunished.  In fact, Rorschach would personally murder or maim every asshole in the world, making life infinately better for all of us.  And because he and I are BFFs, I would sort of have my own personal hit man, which is something I've always wanted.

Oh wait.  That's not it... (Though come to think of it, Kelly Leak should also exist.)

There you go.

1.  Doctor Who
I was in a comic book store yesterday.  (it was the nerdiest experience of my life.)  When I saw an action figure of the Doctor, I started hyperventilating.  (Which was the nerdiest moment in the nerdiest experience of my extremely nerdy life.)  I love him. I want to travel through space and time with him fighting Daleks and seeing the universe.  If the Doctor actually existed no one would ever have to worry about anything, because the world would have the most badass protector of all time.  He could fix anything.  Send him to Wall Street, and with the help of his sonic screw driver, he'll have the economy fixed in under five minutes.  He's that awesome.  Also I would marry him.

Here he is, feeling deeply satisfied after saving the planet once again.


This is the most awesome post ever. I love you Rachel. I agree with all of this, except for Dean and Glados. I don't really know Dean and Glados is super crazy and would try to kill you. It would be funny to hear her talk and sing, but I have this thing about not being killed by a robot.
Rorschach and Worf would team up to protect you from Glados. And they would be the most amazing team ever!
Yay! Ok Glados can be real.
The Doctor can pair up with them as well.
OMG Rorschach. Just saw Watchmen 2 weekends ago. Loved it because of Rorschach! You are stuck here with me.. :D
Isn't he amazing? I love him so much. I'm kind of obsessed.
THIS IS SO AWESOME!!!!! Get out of the way bitch, I gotta poop! We need icons with Puffy quotes.
I know. Puffy is my favorite fictional dog. He should be on the list actually.