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Jan. 31st, 2009

Derek

What will you do with your dead body?

This is the perfect question to find after having watched Braindead.  There are so many things my body will be able to accomplish after I die.  For instance, my spinal chord might go on a killing spree, I might get pregnant and have a horrifying zombie baby, or I might meet a preacher who "kicks ass for the Lord."  Last night, I learned that while zombies are horrifying killing machines, they also lead extremely interesting lives.  Or deaths?  I don't know.  The point is, when I die in the inevitable zombie attack --and it is inevitable-- the whole thing will be hilarious and disgusting.


Look! It's not Peter Jackson eating some dude's brains!
 
Of course, there is a chance I might survive.  Because I will do anything to survive.  Ask me for help, and I will shove you into the advancing horde.  Just like that one guy in Nick Cannon's classic horror film Day of the Dead.  It's every lady for herself.  You've been warned.
 

This film is not worth watching.

So now that I'm alive and you're not, I still have to plan for my quiet peaceful death.  Fortunately, there are a lot of cool things that I could do after I die.  I still have some time to decide, but there are a few possibilities.
 
1. Sell Myself  I don't care what you want it for--crazy scientific experiments, weird rituals intended to summon the spirits of the dead, it really doesn't matter.  For a good price, I would totally sell my dead body.  Just give me the money now, and you can have me once I'm dead.  But remember, if you kill me, then the contract is void, and I automatically pick #5.

2. Chinese Ghost Marriage  If I'm still single by the time I'm dead, I will want to go ahead, settle down, and find a husband.  Fortunately in China, this is totally possible.  (Go ahead, look it up.)  You can marry another dead person, or you can find someone living.  That said, if I outlive David Tennant, his ghost is mine.
 

Oh--Well hello there, David Tennant's ghost.

3.  Haunt my Friends  They love scary crap, and I know they won't be ready to be rid of me quite yet.  Midnight Society meetings will be so much more interesting.

4.  Donate Myself to Science  But only if there's some crazy Frankenstein shit going on.  I don't want to be some stupid dissection for a run of the mill med student.  No.  I want to be involved in experiments that explore the boundaries between life and death.  I want something to go terribly awry, and I want to go on a killing spree.  Science, if you can give me all this, then I'm yours.

5.  Get Made into Bullets  This one comes from Cracked, and it's an awesome idea.  Because if someone kills me, then hiring an assassin to shoot that person with a bullet made from my own ashes will be the sweetest revenge.  (Bear that in mind if you have just bought my corpse and are thinking of murdering me.)  On the other hand, if I don't get murdered, then the bullet thing is just stupid.
 

Jan. 26th, 2009

robots

ROBOTS!

Today's Writer's Block question was "Who (or what) is your favorite fictional robot."  I am too much of a nerd to pass up the opportunity to talk about robots, but there are too many awesome robots to name, so here's a short list.  (You better read this Lara Kelley, because I'm making the case for robots right now.)

BAD-ASS ROBOT #5 The Robot
This dance is super fun and easy.  It can be done anywhere--in the car, at the supermarket, during class--and it's a great way to relax and let the people around you know that you are totally cool.

BAD-ASS ROBOT #4 Wall-E
If it weren't for this little guy, humanity would just be a bunch of bored fat space dwellers.  Besides that, everyone thinks he's cute.  Just look at him. 

BAD-ASS ROBOT #3 k9 
k9 is adorable and sweet.  He is highly intelligent, and he is equipped with sensors that are extremely helpful when battling Daleks, Cybermen, or any other hostile alien.  In addition to that, he is extremely loyal, and would gladly give his life for any one of us.

Did I mention he has a laser on his head?

BAD-ASS ROBOT #2 The Terminator
The Terminator is bad-ass for so many reasons.  If you've seen these movies you know how many things explode.  More importantly however, is the fact that, in the second movie, the Terminator comes back to save humanity and totally succeeds.  The following clip shows the Terminator bonding with a human child.  Adorable!  (Also, Terminator 3 never happened.)
 
BAD-ASS ROBOT #1 Data
Data is the best robot ever.  He has the strength of the Terminator, but he also understands that it isn't cool to just walk around killing random human beings.  He is every bit as loyal and intelligent as k9, but the most important thing about Data is that he wants to be just like us.  That's right.  In most ways he is totally better than we are.  He's intelligent, strong, and he is never an emotional wreck. Even so, he recognizes the power and beauty of the human spirit, and he admires it.  This robot serves as a mirror to humanity, and he shows us our vast potential and our worth. 
(If you're not a nerd and you need a translation of the previous paragraph, I can help you out. 
Translation: blah blah blah. I'm a dork who likes Star Trek.)
Anyway, here is a picture of Data.

And if you're a lonely nerd like Goergi La Forge,
Data will totally be your BFF.

So that's it.  To all you naysayers and robo-racists out there (I'm looking at you Laura Kelley) who think that robots aren't good for society, think again.  Data is intelligent and sweet.  The Terminator was a total bad-ass, and K9 is friendly, helpful, and efficient.  Wall-e saved us from our own fatness, and The Robot is hours of fun.  These robots are good for humanity.  Sure, Data may sometimes malfunction, turn evil, and put the enterprise in danger.  Or his brother Lor may impersonate him and do some bad shit.  And sure, I guess that most of the robots in the terminator movies are out to destroy humanity.  But still.  You cannot deny that the men and women who know and love these robots are better off for having known them.  In the end, sentient robots will be the same as human beings.  They will have to choose between good and evil.  Robots like the ones on this list will make the right choice, and they will be awesome. 
 
 
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Jan. 23rd, 2009

Exterminate

Inauguration, Doughnuts, and the Doctor

So it's been a couple of days since inauguration, and I thought I would post some of my thoughts.

#1.  Obama's nervousness was pretty adorable.  It was nice to see Obama step out of his Messiah of America role and just be a regular human being with flaws and whatnot.  Also, am I the only one who thought it was kind of dickish of John Roberts to forget the Oath of Office?  I mean, You're supposed to be the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, right?  Maybe you should know your shit.  Just saying.  I guess it's a reflection of my politics that Obama's mistake is adorable and John Robert's mistake is dickish, but whatever John Roberts.  It wasn't your moment.  Don't be such a fuck up next time.  Unfortunately, only the icy hand of death can remove you from your post, so you'll probably be doing this inauguration stuff for a while.  You might want to look at the constitution, especially since it's your job to interpret it and everything.

#2.  The speech was awesome.  Half the time he was totally burning GW.  And the man was right behind him!  Hilarious.  Whoever said liberals don't have balls has never seen this man in action.

#3.  HOLY CRAP DICK CHENEY IN A WHEEL CHAIR!  It was like our Vice President decided to definitively remove any lingering doubts that we may have had about his status as a super villain.  He thought, 'I can't have people thinking that I might have some remnants of a soul still inhabiting a dark corner of my heart.  I'll get in a wheelchair, dress in black, and bring a fedora.  You know, really look like a Bond villain.  Would it be to much to get on the JumboTron and demand ransom money?  Okay.  That would be too much.' 
 
 

No, Mr Bond, I expect you to DIE!

Now, people have a number of theories as to why he may have been in the wheel chair.  The news said he was moving boxes in his new house.  (Boxes containing what? Something evil no doubt.  Books on the black arts perhaps?)  Jon Stewart theorized that he was moving his man sized safe, but he must have people (or a zombie army, or a conjured demon) to do that kind of thing for him.  My theory is that evil is simply corrosive, and it has been eating away at his spine for some time.  And while not all people in wheelchairs are super villains, eventually, all super villains wind up in wheel chairs.  That's science.

#4  Mary Alice and I went to Dunkin Donuts for some hot cocoa, and they were offering free inauguration donuts with every hot drink.  If that doesn't say America, I don't know what does.  Sugar, lard and freedom.  It's good to be American.




delicious

#5.  It has to be said.  The only thing that could make this better is if the Doctor was somehow involved.  Secretary of time travel perhaps?  Secretary of keeping the daleks at bay?  Something.  America needs him right now.
 

 
These two things go great together.  Like peanut butter and chocolate.

#6.  The final poem was a little lack luster.  I think we can do better, so I decided to take a page from Dick Cheney's book and summon the dead.  The following was penned by the great Jack Kerouac in honor of the inauguration.
 
When I was summoned from the dead to write an inauguration poem, I was honored.  I mean, the first black president.  BAM! WOW!  I mean, like wow, man, wow.  Although I'm a little disappointed.  You see, I've always been a little jealous of black people, at least I was in the days of segregation.  I mean who wouldn't want to be looked down upon, denied opportunity, and shunned by society?  And now that it is possible for non white people to succeed I'm a little sad that they choose to.  I mean, President?  Isn't that a little conformist?  Well whatever, man.  I'm itching to get back to the ol' type writer, so here we go...  BAM BOP WOW ZAP ZOWIE ZOOOOOM!  (First let me get drunk.  There's no booze in the afterlife, and I needs my strength.)

A POEM FOR OBAMA
Oobama is president.
cool, man, cool.
My mind is BLOWN.  I don't even know what to say except,

BAM.  that's right, BAM.

I said it.  I'm an innovator. (I have a peenis.  That makes me smart, and I don't have to edit shit!)
I gess I'll go bee a lame hobo now.
Oh wait, I can't go anywhere because I'm like 40 and I stil CAN'T DRIVE.
I am also Budddah (seeriously)
Hey mom, would you cash this check for me?

xoxo
Jack Kerouac
 
(Lit jokes. lol.)

Jan. 8th, 2009

I'm in a box!

A brief and rambling Introduction

For those of you who don't know me, or those of you who do and are bored enough to read this, my name is Rachel and I'm from Asheville NC.  I'm currently studying Literature at UNCA, but before that I was an Illustration major at the Savannah College of Art and Design--which sucked.  Hopefully I'll get out next year, and, if I make it, it will have been a long time coming. 

I am a member of the Midnight Society as well as one of the founding members of Cake Night--which may be my single greatest accomplishment to date. 

My favorite band is Radiohead, and I love Thom Yorke.  (Who I imagine lives inside a cuckoo clock, or perhaps a shoebox.)

My favorite movie is Bad Taste.  Go Derek!

I don't have too much time to watch TV, but when I do I watch the Office, the Daily Show and the Colbert Report.  But, and I cannot stress this enough, my favorite thing in the world is Doctor Who.  Seriously.  I am so obsessed.  I sometimes cry when I watch it.  Don't judge me.  It was super sad when Rose got trapped in that parallel universe.  (Holy crap I can't even think about that right now, they named a new Doctor, and I have to wait until Easter for a new episode.  And Donna is GONE!  This is really emotional, and I cannot deal.)

Anyway.
My favorite author is Angela Carter, who is a little weird and verbose, but I can't get enough of her.  My favorite book is Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell.  I also love Harry Potter, and to my deep and profound shame I have read and enjoyed the Twilight series.  (Its amazing.  It's like you know it's bad for you, but you just can't stop.  It's as if the pages are laced with crack.  Crack or magic--I don't know which.)

All of this is just a roundabout way of saying that I'm a nerd.  (Did I mention that I'm a trekkie?  Yeah.)

At this point, I've had my livejournal up for about 2 days now, and it's currently telling me "you've only made one friend."  Which is sort of a tragic thing to see, and it kind of makes me feel all emo.  I mean, do they really have to put it that way?  "only one friend?"  It seems a little passive aggressive, like maybe this is just livejournal's way of telling me that I'm a loser.  Well let me tell you something.  It's the quality of the friends (or in this case friend) that counts, and no one has more quality than pam_casso.

So thats enough rambling for now.
goodbye all

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